A Hanyou cracks
by Forbidden13Angel
Summary: InuYasha finally cracks under the torments of Kagome and his loneliness. In his fit of rage and tears he accidentally kills someone who means the world to him. A truth revealed. hehe. contains a bit of harsh language. OC and OOC


I stared into his golden eyes, my eyes, my father's eyes. There was something there that I just couldn't place. Why was he so damn stoic? I want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking! But no. I was forced to believe he hated me. Inside I knew he didn't. I knew he was protecting me, the others didn't of course. How could I tell them? They didn't need to know.

I know my brother had his own demons to face. He had a dark past. But I had no idea how dark, then. But then again, what would it matter anyway. He would never talk about it. He was Sesshomaru, the ice prince. He hated everything and everyone. He had lost in his life, that much was obvious, my father loved me more than him. Kami! Did my father even care about him? I shuddered. Why would InuTaisho hate his first born son? Stupid of me. I chuckled. Then stopped suddenly as I noticed that Kagome was staring at me.

Did she have to look at me like that? I wanted her so bad it hurt, and she knew it, but she would never indulge me. Because she doesn't trust me. I knew this. She had caught me with Kikyo, but I didn't have a choice. Kikyo never denied me, she never blew me off. She loved me, that much was clear, but I didn't love her. I loved Kagome. But Kagome kept me on a thread and I hated it. I never knew if she loved me, I didn't know what she thought of me. She was probably like the rest of them, hated me for being a hanyou.

Yes, she could never love me. Not like Kikyo did. I cursed under my breath. That retched woman who had almost got me to turn human! Ha! How could I have been so weak? Kagome came closer to me, she was afraid of my brother. I knew this and I loved seeing her quiver in his presence, and so did he. I had stopped fighting him and he knew why. It was because of her. Because of Nikita. She had saved me and my mother countless times, but she could not save my mother from herself. She killed herself when I was six. She couldn't live without my father.

Ever since then Nikita had helped me when I needed to find my feet, but she would never stay with me for long. I understood that, I loved her like a big sister. At first I didn't know what she was, then I thought she was cat, but later I heard she was a snow leopard. I knew that she knew my brother, but I didn't know how. I didn't care how. As long as she was there to give me hope she could be whatever and whoever she wanted. I never knew why she helped me, I didn't care to know. She was there when I needed her, but it had been long since I had seen her last. She never showed when Kagome and the others where around. She said they didn't need to know about her and I agreed. Besides, Kagome would be jealous. Nikita was the most beautiful creature on this planet.

She had long flowing black hair and deep midnight blue eyes. Her skin was pale and silken, her body was perfect, her movement, flawless. I knew, also, that she had suffered in her life. Maybe she and my brother had met through their suffering. Maybe they had suffered the same fate. Nah. It didn't matter. I looked at Kagome and she smiled at me. I looked away. I didn't need to fall for that again. Sesshomaru had vanished. The others hadn't even known he was there. They were human, how would they know? I sniffed the air, the stupid little kit who was constantly at Kagome's side did the same. I caught Naraku on the air. Maybe it was time they knew he meant no harm. I thought as the bushes started rustling.

With Nikita had come Naraku. Ever since I was a pup they were there when I was in trouble or when I was teased or threatened by villagers. Naraku was a hanyou as well. I looked up to him a lot. He had taught me that it was no shame to be half of both. He taught me to love my hanyou nature. Later I learned that he was Nikita's cousin. He made me laugh. They both did. I needed to laugh. The others didn't know how heavy my heart was. I had learned a lot after my father died. Learned a lot of truth. That was when I had come to notice the pain that lie beneath the surface of my stoic brother.

I heard Miroku scream as Naraku stepped through the edge of the clearing. He was about to attack when I stopped them both. The monk and the other hanyou stared at me. Naraku smiled and nodded. He saw my pain. Miroku and the others were dumbfounded.

"Not today." I said to Naraku.

"What ails you little one?" He always called me that. I liked it now. It made me feel wanted. I felt weak. I had felt like this for a while now. Maybe I missed Nikita.

"I miss her." I said simply. Kagome squeaked, but I ignored her.

"She will come to you soon. She has been with Jaki for a while. He's been in a bad spot." Naraku answered.

I nodded. Yes Jaki was sad too. Jakotsu was the one person in the world who ALWAYS made me laugh. I just had to look at him and I'd snicker. One would never imagine the pain that lie beneath his own laughing eyes. Bankotsu knew of course. He knew everything. He was wise and loving, but stern and stubborn all at once. I sighed. Great now I'd have to explain myself again.

"You want me to stay?" Naraku asked sensing my pain.

"No. That's okay." I smiled at him sadly. He turned on his heals and disappeared back into the forest.

"Osawari!" I closed my eyes and braced myself as I slammed hard into the ground. I didn't get up. Kagome was ranting on about something and Shippo was giggling. I sat up slowly cradling my throbbing head. Why did she do that? Why did my mother curse me with these damn beads? What did I do to deserve that? I fought back tears as I listened to all the questions that where slung at me. I smelled my brother's scent on the air. He was close. Watching over me. Nii-chan. I thought. Thank you. I felt as though I was dying inside and I didn't know why.

"InuYasha. What's wrong?" Sango asked. Why had she asked me that? She didn't care. She was just like Kagome, always misleading Miroku.

I sobbed softly, still holding my head in my hands. I didn't look at her. Kagome stopped her ranting and rushed to my side.

"Oh InuYasha! Did I hurt you!? Gomen-nasai!" She cooed apologetically. I felt rage boil up in me.

"You slammed my head into the ground wench! What do you think?" I snapped angrily through my tears. What was wrong with me?

"I really didn't mean to." She said sadly.

I shook her off. She had hugged me. "No! You did mean to! Why would you do it if you didn't mean it?! If you hate me so much then why do make me believe you love me and then leave me hanging?!" I screamed getting up. Everything had gotten too much now. Everything I had hidden from them for so long. She stared at me, frightened and hurt. Good. I thought.

"InuYasha. What has gotten into you?" Miroku asked softly.

I glared at him. "Nothing monk." I snapped. I sniffed, his scent was gone. No Sesshomaru. I sighed. He'd left. The bushes ruffled again. I caught a scent I knew, and hated. OniGumo. I snarled. Today that bastard would die. I needed to kill something. Sango's eyes widened and I knew he was behind me. I grabbed her taijiya blade and charged the figure behind me full force. I heard a woman scream NO! And saw a whirl of ebony and ivory mix in front of me a split second before I buried the deadly dagger deep into Nikita's diaphragm.

The scream had been her; the figure behind me, now separated from me by her, had been my brother. The scent clung to her and so did a layer of dried blood on her clothing and in her hair. She had killed him and now I had killed her. My hand was still around the hilt of the cursed blade and touching her skin softly. Her blood was running over my fingers. My breath quivered and I lifted my eyes to meet hers. She wore a shocked expression. I let out a muffled sound of utter horror at the thought of Nikita dying at my hand; after all she had done for me. I looked to my brother for help, but he stared at me blankly, it had not registered.

She reached up and took my hand, the one that was around the hilt of blade. It was now covered in her blood. I whined as she lost her strength and almost fell. Sesshomaru caught her from behind and laid her down softly, he cradled her in his lap.

"Caleb, Aion is in the village, tell him to find the gypsy and bring her to the village. Quickly. She won't last long." Sesshomaru said to the silver ridgeback wolf that tended to travel with him.

I looked at him pleadingly, could she be saved? He showed no panic. He put his hand in my hair as I put my face flat on Nikita's hand. I was folded double in pain. I cried, hard. I couldn't speak, I couldn't stop myself. She was unconscious. The blade was still inside of her, causing her to bleed slower.

He got up slowly, careful not to move her too much. He carried her out into the woods in the direction of the village. I pulled myself up and cowered off after him. The others followed. They were silent, they didn't know what to do. Within two minutes Caleb was back, with my cousin, Aion, and an old gypsy woman with him. The gypsy gave my brother an irritated look as she bowed over Nikita. She examined the unnaturally dark blood and the dagger. She croaked something in her native tongue and my brother growled viciously at her. She showed no fear, only growing irritation.

"What is it with this stupid girl? Always getting herself into this kind of trouble? And you" She shoved my brother out of her way. "Are always linked to it! I should let her die." I growled at her this time, but felt a hand on my shoulder. Caleb. He was an odd creature. The last ridgeback wolf alive. Kouga's older brother.

"Can you save her?" My brother asked softly.

The gypsy scowled at him and crossed her arms. "No." She simply.

I felt my soul tear in two and almost I collapsed, but Caleb caught me and let me burry my face in the crook of his neck.

"Bull shit!" Sesshomaru snarled.

"Baka! Her youki is too weak as it is!? It will die as soon as you take out that knife! And then what? She will be no better than a ningen! Is that what you want?" She snapped.

"Save her, hag!" Sesshomaru snarled. His eyes were leaking red as I looked at him through my tears.

The gypsy stared at him and finally snorted in agreement. She shunted him out of the way again and took a bottle full of think blue liquid out of her felt bag. It was sweet smelling, it smelled like Jasmine.

I pulled away from Caleb's embrace and went to sit in a corner of the small room we were in. I pulled my knees up to my chin and looked at them through my tear hazed eyes. The old woman gripped the handle of the dagger and pulled it free, sending a new stream of dark blood seeping quickly out of the wound. There was suddenly something else that left the wound, sort of a small black haze that disappeared like smoke.

"What was that?" Caleb asked.

"Her youki dying." The gypsy answered.

She poured the thick blue liquid into the wound and it made a simmering sound as it ate through the poison that coursed through Nikita's veins. I shivered.

The gypsy stepped back. "The wound cannot be bandaged. She must stay this way until she wakes up, assuming she does wake up. Personally I would have her die and be spared the inconvenience of saving her again. She will be cold to the touch for the rest of her life and unable to access her youkai abilities, so she will never transform again either." She paused as she looked into my brother's golden orbs. "If your father truly understood how much you loved her, maybe he would not have denied you what you wanted. But now he is dead, and with him his wishes. If she does wake up, mate her baka. Maybe then I will not have to save her ungrateful ass again." She shrugged as she left the hut.

Did I hear her correctly? Did she say that my brother loved Nikita?

"Will you stay with her tonight?" Caleb asked Sesshomaru gently. He nodded and looked at me.

"Talk to him onegaii. He needs someone too." Sesshomaru said to Caleb. He nodded and let me out of the hut. I didn't look at Kagome or the others as Caleb led me to the forest. I followed him blindly. I was beyond broken, beyond caring what they knew and did not know. I had killed Nikita. I wanted to die.

He sat me down against a tree. I didn't look at him, I couldn't look at him.

"Hey, it's not your fault okay? She'll be fine." He said softly. I looked him in the eyes then, reading him. He meant what he said. He had blue eyes, like Kouga.

"How could it not be my fault? I stabbed her didn't I?" I asked bitterly, letting the tears fall down my face unchecked.

He took my face into his soft, warm hands. "InuYasha, you smelled OniGumo's scent on hers, and you where unstable, so you reacted on your instinct. It wasn't your fault, because anyone would have reacted the same way. I know what it's like Yashi. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Your blood is so unstable and now this." He said caringly. I was confused. What was he talking about?

"What do you mean you know what it's like? Why am I unstable now? Is it because I'm hanyou?" I snapped.

He smiled knowingly. This confused me even more. "No Yashi. You're in heat. Your first by the looks of it. This just goes to show how youkai you truly are." He explained. I let him use my pet name. I liked hearing it.

"In heat?" I asked confused. I was hanyou. I wasn't supposed to go into heat? Was I? Naraku said I wasn't.

"Yes. It's probably a little different with you. But…" he paused, he didn't know how to explain. "Tell me. You're sad and you don't know why?"

I nodded.

"You're senses seem stronger, but you can't quite place them?"

I nodded again.

"You have a hollow place in the pit of your stomach that rages hot at night and you can't stop it?"

I nodded hesitantly.

"And you can't control your emotions at all no matter how hard you try, especially around female?" He asked finally.

"Yes. But what does all of that mean? What's that got to do with not being responsible for Nikita's death?" I asked choking back the urge to cry.

Caleb sighed and rolled his eyes. "She's not dead. She won't die."

I looked at him. He still hadn't answered my question. "You're unstable senses led you to believe that you were under attack. The scent of a snow leopard is awfully slight and thus you did not pick it up. All you sensed was OniGumo. No one can blame you for reacting on that! Hell I would have probably done more than just stabbed her." He explained.

I suddenly relaxed. I sighed heavily. He was right. I knew he was. I slumped into his embrace. It felt good to be understood, to be treated as an equal for once.

I finally felt my exhaustion and almost fell asleep in his arms.

"Caleb?" I asked.

"Hn?" He replied.

"Is it true what the gypsy said? Does my brother really love her?" I asked.

"Yes, he does. He has ever since she saved him from your father." He answered.

I pulled away and looked at him questioningly.

"You're father raped your brother when he was younger InuYasha. More than once. The last time Nikita showed up out of the blue and nearly killed InuTaisho. They have been in love ever since. But InuTaisho forbid Sessh to ever mate her, until he fell in love with your mother. Then he went in search of Sessh to beg him for forgiveness, but Sessh would have nothing of it. So your father went to look for Nikita and Naraku killed him." When Caleb finished I almost choked again. My Otou-san had raped my Nii-chan?! Nikita had saved him? They were in love? Oh Kami. I felt like cracking even further.

"How do you fit into this?" I managed to ask. Caleb smiled.

"After your father died Sesshomaru started falling apart. Finally Nikita came to my father for help as she had done ever since she was a little girl. My father confessed to her that I was… bisexual, and that maybe I could help. I fell madly in love with Sessh the moment I saw him. It took me about a year to teach him to deal with his confusion over his body's needs. For me it came naturally, for him it started out as torture, but after a year… he told me he didn't want to leave me, but that he was in love with Nikita. I respected that, but Nikita would not have us split either so she insisted we become lovers. She truly is the kindest creature this planet has ever seen." He explained.

"Is he okay now?" I croaked.

"Yes. He has made peace with it." Caleb said brushing the tears from my eyes. "Don't break your head about it Yashi. It was a long time ago." He smiled gently. He was so calming, so understanding.

"Onegaii." I whispered. I could barely keep my eyes open. "Can I ask you a favor?"

"Hai."

"Can you inform the others that I won't be traveling with them anymore? I need to start over. You can tell them anything they want to know." I asked.

He nodded and left.

I sat there quietly fighting off the need to sleep. I didn't even notice Sessh coming to stand behind me. He reached down. I felt someone touch me shoulder and then I felt my subdual beads lift. I took the hand that was lifting them and peered up into my brother's golden eyes.

"It's okay." He said. I released his hand and felt the beads lift off over my head and past my sensitive ears. His hand brushed my ear and it sent shivers of heat up and down my spine and I whimpered. The beads where gone! I was free at last! My brother had freed me! I whined again.

"Gomen-nasai." He whispered.

"It's okay. Thank you." I said softly. I could hardly speak.

"Come little brother. You must get some rest." He said as he put his left arm around me and lifted me up. I obeyed blindly. I had not the will to resist.

He led me to the hut where Nikita was. Kagome was sitting on the step. Sesshomaru bent down as he passed her and slipped the beads silently around her neck. She was too slow to stop him. I could not help but smile at her horrified expression as she clasped the beads in her hand trying to lift them over her head. Stupid wench, they're your problem now.

The room was cold and Nikita was pale. I felt the lump return to my throat at seeing her and knowing I had put her there. I felt the tears sting my eyes and I shut them tight. Sesshomaru put his hands on my shoulders and forced me to look him the eye. Our golden gazes met. For the first time in my life I could see right into his soul. "I love you brother. This was nothing more than a fuck up. Don't you dare blame yourself. Onegaii. You mean the world to Nikita and you're the only one of my entire family who actually ever cared about me. Okay? You don't deserve this pain. Please." He said. I felt my heart sing and my broken soul pick itself up a little.

My brother loves me. I love him. Nikita loves us both and we both love her. We were a family and everything would be okay. I cried in relief and he hugged me close. I cursed after a while and he pulled away. "What now?" He asked.

"I've never cried so much in my fucking life. It's insufferable. I hate being weak." I answered irritated. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I had never seen him smile before.

"Ona. You are not weak." He said.

"How do I get rid of the heat?" I asked. He laughed softly.

"You indulge it." He looked at my vacant expression. My mind was too tired to comprehend what he was talking about. "You have to sleep with someone." He clarified. I blushed. "Oh."

Nikita was unconscious for three days or so. She woke up when I was asleep. Apparently she remembered everything of what had happened, but she was terrible pain. I could do nothing but sit at the edge of the forest and stare into the distance. About two days after she woke up I saw Sessh sitting outside. He looked like he was about to cry. Caleb walked over to him and put his arm around his neck from behind. My brother reached up and wrapped his hands around Caleb's arm. They turned to each other and Caleb took him into his arms and then I knew my brother was crying.

It was about time I thought fighting the lump in my own throat at seeing him like that. Hadn't he been through thought? And now this?

"InuYasha?" I startled at hearing Kaede's voice behind me. I turned to her.

"Nikita is asking for you." She said softly.

I was afraid. I couldn't face her, not like this, not now. But I got up and walked blindly to the hut anyway. I knew my brother would be like that for a while.

I stepped in slowly. It was still cold. It would always be cold. I looked to where Nikita was lying on the bed. She was still pale, but she was breathing easier now. I tensed when I saw her move.

"Come here." She said beckoning me. Her voice was soft, but it was her. It was Nikita. She was okay. I walked to her shakily and lay down on the bed next to her. I put my head on her shoulder like I had done so many times before. She was cold as death, but I didn't pull away. I couldn't speak.

"Yashi. I love you. So much. Onegaii. This isn't your fault." She said softly. I couldn't stop myself. I burst into tears. She turned around and hugged me. I was so afraid to hurt her, but I didn't. I just lay there in her arms crying my heart out. When I finally found my voice I could help but say I'm sorry. I knew she wouldn't mind. I just had to say it.

"Gomen-nasai Niki. Kami I thought I killed you! I can't live without you! I just can't. I'm so sad Niki. I can't breathe anymore. Onegaii, gomen-nasai." I poured out.

"Hush now. It's okay. I'll be fine." She laughed softly, careful not to hurt herself. "Ona. I'm not that easy to get rid of." She smiled. I looked at her cold blue eyes and smiled earnestly for once. I felt better now. I kinda liked when she called me baka and ona and all those other things that were normally meant to be insults.

"I won't be going with the others anymore." I said. I knew she knew who I was talking about.

"I know Yashi. Sessh told me." She said. "You're coming with us now."

I looked up at her surprised. She smiled down at me and I knew what she meant. We were going to the Western Castle. It was Sessh's now. He was the dog lord now. Our Outo-san was dead.

After we got to the castle Nikita healed fast and I met a youkai servant of my brother's that I liked, who helped me with my heat. Nikita and my brother mated and um… well… since me and the youkai girl could not stop helping my long gone heat, we mated as well.

I was happy. Really happy. No more misleading miko glances and no more painful osawari and having to watch my language or explain myself, and no more annoying kit.

One day I was sitting outside close to where my brother was lazing on the grass in Nikita's arms. I liked watching them. Nikita took his hand and slowly rested it on his stomach. She whispered to him, "Close your eyes Sessh." He obeyed.

His face contorted a little and she smiled at me slyly. He opened his eyes and stared at his hand as if it had turned green, then he shot a look at her that spoke chapters of shock, confusion and utter disbelief.

She burst out laughing and I could not help but let out a snort of amusement at my brother's odd reaction. What in the world was going on with the two of them? He looked down at his hand again and then closed his eyes again. This time he frowned and whimpered. Nikita put her hand in his hair. He opened his eyes and looked at her. She nodded slightly and the next moment he had scooped her up and was spinning her around. She screeched and I sat there flabbergasted. Why was my brother acting like such a nut?

When he finally put her down he hugged her and she hugged him back. Then he looked at me and laughed. Like really laughed. He never laughed! Why now?

"Baka! You've lost your mind!" I breathed unable to fathom what had gotten into him.

He walked over to me and grabbed me by my shoulders. He pulled me toward him and whispered something in my ear that stole the very breath from my lungs.

"No fucking way!" I shouted as Nikita burst into laughter again. I sunk to the ground with my brother next to me, none of us knew what to say.

It was indescribable…

_A/N Muahaha! Cliff hanger! Well kinda anywho. Depends on your show size. Hehe_

_So review people!! I am starting immediately with the sequel. So it is bitter sweet. _


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